Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Flingin' flangin' freezin'

I live in Northern Minnesota. If you've never been here during the winter, you are ever so lucky.

It's 22 degrees below zero today. With the wind chill it is 47 below. That means, if you go outside unprepared, you will freeze something off. Or at least you won't be able to feel it for a while.

How do we survive, you ask? Better than those kids at the North Pole. But not by much.

Here is a comprehensive list of what you will need, and what you will need to do, if you plan to visit, or for goodness sake, you plan to live here. If your boss gives you a choice between Hawaii and Minnesota, I shouldn't have to hint at which one you should pick. The last time I came back from the Big Island there was a 120 degree difference in temperature. That's just not right.

Here we go, pay attention.

Warm socks. There is such a thing as "Smart Wool" if you want to go all out.

Warm boots. None of those cutesy things with high heels. You WILL fall down. People will see you, and it won't matter who made the boots, or if they match your handbag, you will still look silly.

A scarf, handknit is best, but anything thick will do. This will be wrapped about your face and neck on a regular basis, so make sure it's soft and fuzzy.

Earmuffs. Please don't get the ones made of fake fur. They are just goofy. Fur was made for pets and polar bears, not people.

Or you can wear a hat, but only if you want to spray yourself regularly with some form of anti-static spray. So just get a coat with a hood and save yourself some grooming time. Of course, if you're a guy, it just doesn't matter. They can wear facemasks and bomber hats too, but you ladies should probably stay away from those fashion statements. Unless you are ice fishing. When you intentionally go out onto frozen ice to catch fish, anything goes.

Your coat should be rated for at least 20 below. This coat will also be your topcoat. I'm not talking about nail polish here, girls. Who has time to do their nails anyway? They will just get wrecked from trying to scrape the ice from inside your car windows, or your house windows, so leave them be. But that's another topic.

Always have a good supply of sweaters on hand. I don't buy any that have to be hand washed or laid flat to dry, but if you can get your significant other to wash them for you without shrinking them down to fit your old Barbie dolls, have at it.

How about a turtleneck you ask? Maybe a Dickie? NO. That's all I have to say about that. Sorry, Mom.

Long underwear. Not the old ones you have in the back of your drawer that you save to wear on "laundry day" that hang down the middle a bit. I mean a tighter fitting long sleeve shirt and pants. Don't buy them too big, or you will look like the Michelin man once you put your real pants on.

Pants come with flannel lining where I live, so if you can find some, get some.

Before you put on your gloves or mittens, again rated for at least 20 below, apply a nice layer of a really good hand cream. And don't go out without covering your hands!

I'm sure I have forgotten some important elements, but really, all you have to do is watch "Grumpy Old Men", or just sit in a coffee shop and watch the people for a bit.

You will catch on quickly. Or you will freeze. It's that simple.

1 comment:

kp said...

okay, no fair-yours is way cuter than mine. I haven't even gotten around to putting in pictures yet.

and next year YOU will be nominated for Blog Writer of the year.